Music for my soul

(Originally written October 2013)

I have always been passionate about music. Music has always given me a sense of purpose and being.  I love how I feel when I hear a song that lifts me up or a song that let's me tap into the emotion that I need to feel.  With that being said I recently purchased The Civil Wars new album because in July I was listening it my new favorite station, NPR, and in the music segment they were featuring this couple. The song they played was "Dust to Dust" I loved the tone and quality to the song so I tagged it right away so I could buy it. Well, two months went by and I forgot all about it until this past week when I saw the album in stores. I bought it and immediately listened to "Dust to Dust" and then tears began to fill my eyes when they sang the second verse of the song:

Beautiful Movie

It has been far too long since I have posted.  This will be short and sweet, but I recently felt something that I feel like I have been missing for a while and that is tears.  I was able to watch "The Fault of our Stars" recently and man what a beautiful movie.  The words were beautiful and the music was AMAZING!  It helped me do what I have been wanting to do for a while which is just cry.  Let my emotions go.  It helped me release what has been bottled up for a while.  I still have a lot bottled up, but it is something I am working on.  There is one phrase that stuck with me and so I made a picture of it.  I hope everyone is doing well.  Adoption month is coming.  I have many plans to increase my journaling so hopefully you will be reading more from me soon.  Until then...smile because you are loved!

20 months and counting

Well once again I start off by saying it has been a while since I have written.  I have been able to keep busy with my first semester of nursing school, however I am never to busy to remember how old she is and to check in to see how much she is changing.  Today she is 20 months old.  I missed writing about what some consider a milestone which was her 18 month which caused me a little grief and concern, however another birth mother said to look at it as a sign that I have been able to move forward.  She will always remain in my heart.  With every beat that my heart makes I will always think of her.

I had the opportunity to meet some amazing friends so far in nursing school and I have the opportunity to remain in the same nursing block as 9 of them.  With these friendships we all have shared some very personal details and with each detail we grow closer to each other and more protective of one another.  I was very fortunate that everyone on in my block this past semester respected my decision and did their best to understand why I did what I did, however, I have also developed more strength in knowing that I don't need others to approve of my decision.  I approve and always have approved of my decision and I will never turn back or wonder why.  I have nothing to prove to anyone.  With this being said one of my friends brought it to my attention that someone doesn't understand and thinks that my placement was a selfish decision.  My friend had and continues to have my back and when I realized this I knew I needed to let her into my life some more so that she will continue to have my back.

So, now I want to write to those that may think my decision and other birth moms decisions are selfish instead of selfless.  Yes, I know I said I don't have anything to prove, but maybe I will be able to help you understand how placing your child into a family who is longing to start a family of their own is anything but selfish.

First I love turning to the dictionary for definitions.  I have a known history at confusing words and not using them properly, however, I do know that I know the definitions for selfish vs selfless, but lets make sure everyone else does.

Selfish: adj. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interest, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

So, when I was talking with my friend about this other girls feelings towards my decision the thought popped up in my head I didn't do this so I could benefit from it.  I began to say sure maybe if I was living a lifestyle where I wanted to party every night and that is what made me place sure that would be selfish, but would it?  My answer is NO!  Although someone who may have that lifestyle and may choose to continue that lifestyle after having a baby if they choose to place their child even if it is to benefit themselves they still acted selfless, because they knew that their child deserved better than what they were willing or able to give.  So maybe they were selfish for themselves, but they were acting selfless towards the child.

Selfless: adj. having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money

 When I chose to place I put all my feelings aside because if I hadn't I would have decided to raise her as my own.  If I would have done that I would not be where I am at today.  Many may say how can you know this?  I know this because I have been able to be so involved in school and giving back to students, but if I had a little girl at home waiting for me I know I would not have had the opportunity to mentor 50+ students and encourage them.  I wouldn't be able to run for class president because I would want to dedicate all my time to her so that she can see me and know who I am.  I wouldn't be going to school full time which means completing my education would take even longer.  I know many say letting go of all the things I said would be worth it to be a mommy to a precious little girl, but I wouldn't have been able to give her what I think the greatest blessing of all is and that is to be sealed to a mommy and a daddy for time and all eternity.  I had to let go of my internal and innate desire to be a mother and I had to ask myself what is best for her. 

A Dance to share a story with many

Many that know me may not see a dancer in me but I see one in myself.  Dance is so beautiful and can help express so many emotions and can tell so many beautiful stories.  I have visions of dancing in my head many days I ask myself what would my dance for the day look like? What does dancing have to do about my journey well I want help creating a dance and I want to perform this dance in front of the nation.  To do this I need a choreographer and Nigel Lythgoe. :-)

One day as I was watching "So you think you Can Dance" and a thought came to me.  I want to share the story of adoption with the world through dance.  How beautiful would it be to have a stage full of birth moms dancing a dance that expresses the heartache, the beauty, the grief, and the happiness?  I began to express this dream with my family and some friends and said all I need is a song and someone who can help me choreograph it.  Then one day as I was studying and listening to Pandora a song came on called "Gracie's Theme".  A strong sense of emotion started filling my chest and I began to cry.  I shut my eyes and I started picturing this dance in my head.  I saw the beginning of the dance with that initial shock and reaction of how could this happen to me (yes I do know how it happened). Then I visioned the pain of trying to decide between parenting or placing.  Then came the part in the song where I made my decision and chose the family.  Then the final part of the song is the day of delivery with every sense of emotion going through my mind and heart.  From the happy tears of finally seeing this beautiful little girl, to the tears of realizing that she will only be mine for 2 days, then the emotion of signing the papers and giving her the life I know she needs to have with her amazing parents.  This song was such an amazing song.  Now that I have my song or the song that can be performed by many birth moms I just need the choreographer right?!?!

Who would be able to help capture these emotions?  Who would want to take on such a selfless act to help many birth moms work together to show the nation the true emotions of placing your son or daughter for adoption?  There were two choreographers that came to mind.  Two that create such beautiful masterpieces.  Travis Wall and Mia Michaels.  The dance that really hit me this past season though was Travis's dance with the musical piece by Daughter "Medicine"  This was the dance performed by Tucker Knox and Robert Roldan.  This piece was so moving and touching that I just started dreaming.  Dreaming that one day I will be able to get in contact with Travis and ask him this one huge favor.  Help me with my dance.  Help me show everyone my experience of what it was like to become a birth mom.  Don't just help me help a room full of birth moms show their pain, their courage, heartache, and their strength.

Dance helps heal the soul.  It tells so many stories and can help those in need.  I want to dance to help that teenage girl who is in need.  Who is uncertain about what she should do.  I want to dance for those families who are waiting for their child through adoption to help show them the courage that it takes (not that they don't know it but sometimes it may be hard to understand).  I want this dance to help those birth moms who hide the fact that they are a birth mom.  I want them to know that it is ok. Adoption is a beautiful thing.  Adoption helps create families.  I hope to one day make this dream a reality.

With Love,

21 days...well maybe we should make that 26!

They say it takes 21 days to make or break a habit.  I have one habit I need to break and one I need to make.  The habit I need and want to break is not allowing time for myself.  I am always on the go.  Constantly forgetting about me (ok maybe some days I get down and moody and I think only about me), but I am saying I forget to take care of my soul house!  The habit I want to make is to start blogging more.  I want to continue to blog about my journey of placement and how I have healed and how I continue to grow, but I also just want to share my life.  I want to journal.  I want to be able to turn my blog into a hard copy one day that I can share with my family.  I have the opportunity to begin blogging here soon as a "workshop" and I am excited.  The founder of Blessings in a Basket, Ashley Mitchell, has a test group starting for a new project that she is putting together for the adoption community.  She comes up with so many amazing ideas.  I am one of the lucky and fortunate ones that she selected to be apart of the test group.  

When she sent this message out I decided to challenge myself.  First, I do not want to fall short of Ashley's expectations for those that she selected.  Second, I will start breaking my bad habit of not allowing time for myself and I will be doing this by third, taking an hour of my time to write in my blog/journal.  I will give myself time to reflect on where I have been, how far I have come, and how I have gotten here.  It feels great being back on here and writing and I know that if I do this everyday I will have a more uplifted spirit and have a continuous smile on my face.  I can't wait to come back and share my stories with you all!  Best of all I am learning how to create the blog that I have always wanted. So, not only should you be looking out for new blog posts, watch out for the amazing transformation of my blog design thanks to Shabbyblog!

Come follow me and my Journaling experience of Adoption ABC's

With Love,

 

Happy Birth Mother's Day

Let me be honest with you.  A year ago when I first found out about birth mother’s day I thought it was a great concept, however, I also thought it was a day out there to belittle us birth moms and make us feel like we aren’t important.  I remember telling my family that I don’t really want to think about that day I want to be recognized on Mother’s Day.  Like I said though, that was a year ago and also three weeks after I placed my daughter.
 
This year (especially after talking with an amazing friend and mentor) I realized I LOVE BIRTH MOTHERS DAY!  This Saturday, May 11th is birth mothers day.  This is not a recognized holiday that you will see written on calendars or even see recognized in our society.  This day was created by birthmothers in Seattle Washington (from what I have read online) who not only wanted to educate but more importantly honor and remember those who placed their children in the arms of another mother who had been waiting for the long arrival of her child.  This group in Seattle first met the Saturday before Mother’s Day in 1990.  Thank you to this community of women that gathered together to honor what they did for them and their child.

It wasn’t until I had a conversation with a friend that my eyes were opened to Birth Mother’s Day and how this can be a day of celebration for me.  On this day not only do I get to celebrate the day I became a mother, but also the day that I became a strong individual and did what I felt was best for me and this beautiful little gift from my Heavenly Father.  Here is a quote from a video that has been circulating which I will also include below.  It says “Every time a child is born, so is a mother.”  How true that statement is.  I am not the mother that tucks her in at night, kisses her good night, or even jumps up and down with her in the morning when she wakes up.  I am the mother that was able to care for her for 9 months, protect her, nurture her, and help her grow until she was able to go home with her mother and father.  I wish I could write what my heart is trying to say but I have never been a class ‘A’ writer.  My birth daughter made me into who I am today.  She changed my life for the better.  How can someone so tiny, precious, and small change my life in a matter of seconds after meeting her?  My words would not be able to explain how, but she did.  When this little girl cried for the first time there were two mothers that were born.  These two mother now have a strong connection, an eternal bond that I pray will never be broken.

 I have posted a video a couple of times from Bravelove and I must say who ever wrote the words wrote them so well.  I love what this little boy says. 

“Not every mother can be a mom and not every mom gets to be a mother...maybe every once in a while a mom and a mother will find each other and join hands and be for the other what they can’t be for themselves. Cause even if she's not ready to be a mom, a mother can be strong and brave.  She can turn 9 months into a lifetime and a couple into a family.”

That is my favorite line. “she can turn 9 months into a lifetime”  That is so true.  I sang to her and talked with her.  I talked to her about life and love.  I told her that things aren’t going to be easy but it is true what they say “it is worth it”  I turned those 9 months into a lifetime. I am again grateful to have a day separate from Mother’s Day.  I get to acknowledge my little blue butterfly on a different day and then when I am married and have my children I will get to be blessed with mother’s day.  I will have two special days.  Two very special days.

To all those that have placed Happy Birth Mothers Day on May 11, 2013.  If you know someone hug them, honor them, and don’t let them forget what an amazing selfless act they did.  Then hug your Mom’s on Mothers Day and let them know how much you love them and you are grateful that they are your mother. 

With love,


 

Here is a poem that someone posted on my FaceBook wall last year on Mother’s Day.  I thought this was beautiful and explains two different kinds of love.


Once there were two women who never knew each other
One you do not remember, the other you call Mother
Two different lives shaped to make you one
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun
The first one gave you life, and the second taught you to live it
The first gave you a need for love, the second was there to give it
One gave you a nationality, the other gave you a name
One gave you a talent, the other gave you aim
One gave you emotions, the other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile, the other dried you tears
One made an adoption plan, that was all that she could do
The other prayed for a child, and God led her straight to you.
Now, which of these two women, Are you the product of?
Both, my darling, Both, Just two different types of love.
—- Unknown