20 months and counting

Well once again I start off by saying it has been a while since I have written.  I have been able to keep busy with my first semester of nursing school, however I am never to busy to remember how old she is and to check in to see how much she is changing.  Today she is 20 months old.  I missed writing about what some consider a milestone which was her 18 month which caused me a little grief and concern, however another birth mother said to look at it as a sign that I have been able to move forward.  She will always remain in my heart.  With every beat that my heart makes I will always think of her.

I had the opportunity to meet some amazing friends so far in nursing school and I have the opportunity to remain in the same nursing block as 9 of them.  With these friendships we all have shared some very personal details and with each detail we grow closer to each other and more protective of one another.  I was very fortunate that everyone on in my block this past semester respected my decision and did their best to understand why I did what I did, however, I have also developed more strength in knowing that I don't need others to approve of my decision.  I approve and always have approved of my decision and I will never turn back or wonder why.  I have nothing to prove to anyone.  With this being said one of my friends brought it to my attention that someone doesn't understand and thinks that my placement was a selfish decision.  My friend had and continues to have my back and when I realized this I knew I needed to let her into my life some more so that she will continue to have my back.

So, now I want to write to those that may think my decision and other birth moms decisions are selfish instead of selfless.  Yes, I know I said I don't have anything to prove, but maybe I will be able to help you understand how placing your child into a family who is longing to start a family of their own is anything but selfish.

First I love turning to the dictionary for definitions.  I have a known history at confusing words and not using them properly, however, I do know that I know the definitions for selfish vs selfless, but lets make sure everyone else does.

Selfish: adj. devoted to or caring only for oneself; concerned primarily with one's own interest, benefits, welfare, etc., regardless of others.

So, when I was talking with my friend about this other girls feelings towards my decision the thought popped up in my head I didn't do this so I could benefit from it.  I began to say sure maybe if I was living a lifestyle where I wanted to party every night and that is what made me place sure that would be selfish, but would it?  My answer is NO!  Although someone who may have that lifestyle and may choose to continue that lifestyle after having a baby if they choose to place their child even if it is to benefit themselves they still acted selfless, because they knew that their child deserved better than what they were willing or able to give.  So maybe they were selfish for themselves, but they were acting selfless towards the child.

Selfless: adj. having little or no concern for oneself, especially with regard to fame, position, money

 When I chose to place I put all my feelings aside because if I hadn't I would have decided to raise her as my own.  If I would have done that I would not be where I am at today.  Many may say how can you know this?  I know this because I have been able to be so involved in school and giving back to students, but if I had a little girl at home waiting for me I know I would not have had the opportunity to mentor 50+ students and encourage them.  I wouldn't be able to run for class president because I would want to dedicate all my time to her so that she can see me and know who I am.  I wouldn't be going to school full time which means completing my education would take even longer.  I know many say letting go of all the things I said would be worth it to be a mommy to a precious little girl, but I wouldn't have been able to give her what I think the greatest blessing of all is and that is to be sealed to a mommy and a daddy for time and all eternity.  I had to let go of my internal and innate desire to be a mother and I had to ask myself what is best for her.